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Another rant from my highly regarded novel manuscript, Leather to the Corinthians.

 

Well, well, well.

Can you smell what’s cooking? Are those delicious smells wafting under your well-trimmed nostrils? Are you salivating, chomping at the bit?

A-n-t-c-i-p-a-t-i-o-n.

Let me ask you, what banner do you fly? What’s your flag? Where do you place that salute? Who gets your pledge?

As a wise man once asked, “What’s in your pipe?”

Cause baby, you gotta know. I got this gut feeling, this instinct about you. I know that you aren’t some nameless drone in a herd of Sheeple. Just by looking at you, I can tell you are something special. Here, have a participation trophy on me.

I would never criticize you, or judge you. You are far too amazing. You know, if no one has ever told you, I will tell you now.

You have potential.

I just lied – not about you having potential – no way. I lied about never criticizing you. I do have a criticism for you. You aren’t doing enough with that amazing you that you are. I’m serious here! You have massive amounts of untapped potential. You are overflowing.

Feeling a little bit better? Good.

You need a banner to fly, or one to ride under. I think you may have one of your own, just for some reason, you are paying some Neanderthal to guard it as it sits in a pay-by-the-month storage facility.

I’m asking you, “What’s in your pipe?”

If you don’t know, or you’re just not sure, then you have to stick with me.  I have the knowledge, the key, the philosophy, THE CAUSE for you to believe in. I know that life has a way of grinding you like fair trade coffee, it has a way of digitally chaining you in the corner, with nothing but cold gruel and flagellation to keep you going. All I know about cold gruel and flagellation is that two out of ten people like it.

Looking at your face, I don’t think you’re in that demographic. I think you want out of those chains. Well, guess what?

You have the key. You can unlock yourself at anytime. You don’t have to put baby in the corner. All I need you to do is believe in me. Join me, and together we will rule the universe.

Look at those ants, those worker drones sitting next to you, quietly dying in their personal cells. Suffering needlessly because someone, somewhere, told them that this was the road to happiness, the golden pathway to salvation. Work hard, and you’ll be rewarded. Do as I say, follow the rules, and it will be a glorious life of rewards for you.

What a bunch of fucking fools, right?

I know that you are not one of them. You are no fool. You have just been waiting for your chance, your mission, your helicopter ride out of the shit. Maybe you have felt incapable, or scared. That’s ok, that’s normal. That’s exactly how they want you to think.

I don’t want you to think like they want you to. FUCK THAT. I want you to think as I do, because believe me, it’s the best thing for you. I don’t want to see someone as special as you wither on the vine, programmed for self-obselecence. I want you to tap into that great potential of yours, and put it to use.

Do as I say, and trust me, you’ll be happy. I am the man with the plan, I got the spreadsheets, the inside track, I know what’s going down. Let me plant these seeds, baby, so you can dig.

This ain’t no joke, I am not fucking around. I got the golden ticket right here for you, you just gotta sign on the dotted line. I need your signature, or this motion is never going to pass.

I can tell that I’ve got your interest. Let me ask you, “Who loves you, baby?”

That’s right. I do.

I love you and everything you stand for, because you stand for me and behind me. Look, I know it’s sudden. Here you were, lost in the woods, shipwrecked, given the wrong food at the drive-thru. Then suddenly, there I was, powerful and enticing and possessing a hell of a message.

I know, I get it a lot.

What I am telling you is that I will give you the reason to fight. You no longer have to figure it out for yourself. I am you friend, protector, and champion. I will right what is wrong and you will agree with me because you know I am the right man for the job, and that I stand for everything I believe in.

At this point, that needs to be enough. I can’t have you questioning my moves, because everything that I will do from this point forward, I do for me, for you, for us.

There will be the doubters, the protesters, those who won’t shut their fucking mouths and get on with it, but you are not going to be one of those. You are going to be one of those that FUCKING gets it, knows what’s up, and sees the trees for the forest. There will be no stutter in your step, that is for damn sure.

Because my friend, I am going to take care of everything for you. Everything. Just fly my banner, fly my flag, salute me when I walk by, and do what I tell you to do. You have to know that you are one of the special ones, remember that. As I told you before, you have massive potential, what you have to say matters, and I will always respect your feelings. Your cause is my cause as long as your cause is my cause.

So worry no more, get back to what you were doing, move along nothing to see here. I got your back, I got you covered, and I got it taken care of. Just stay out of my way and nobody gets hurt.

Nobody that matters, that is.

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