An Important Message From The Management

Another excerpt from the my astounding novel, Leather to the Corinthians.

 

These are dark days. I know it. You know it.

These are dark days. The forces of evil surround us. Can you feel it? Can you feel the vibrations of negative energy pushing upon you. Like a bubble, it encircles us, and seeks to destroy us.

These are dark days. Won’t someone save us?

Won’t someone fly in and make it right? Who will serve the justice that is so desperately needed.

Who will save us?

Why is it, you and I, why is it that when the chips are down, when the dark clouds roll in, when the coupon expires, why is it that we take a quick look around the room and ask:

“Who is going to take care of all this mess?”

We went to the restaurant, and made a big mess at the table. We would like to think we can peel off a couple of bucks, throw it down, and let some mangy hippy busboy clean up the mess. Damage control through commerce.

So here we are, smoke plumes rising, water pipes ruptured, corpses in the street. Here we are, gun in our hand, body on the ground, powder burns on our fingers. We are the wardens of our darkness, and the cosigners of destruction. But yet we look to the sky for our great messiah to save us from, well…

Ourselves.

These are dark days, perhaps the darkest of all. What are we to do?

What would you say if I told you that I have the solution, I have the power, and I can deliver it unto you? Are you intrigued? Are you quickly flipping open your digital handheld to see when you can fit a session with your doom trainer to figure this all out?

You better ink me into that calendar, you had better make the time.

You say, don’t you worry, I am on board, I am on board 100 percent.

Good! Because I have the solution, I have a way out. I have a way that we can break through the clouds of pure evil that hover over our heads, ready to dump warm piss upon our heads. I want you here with me, because I believe that together, we are impossible to defeat. Invincible you might say.
Join me on the mystikal road to victory. With great powers comes the greater responsibility, and we will be imbued with both. Join me, and join the others who also look to the horizon and see the menace of the days to come.

You may have asked yourself, what is this evil, what is the essence of evil. Perhaps, what is the definition of evil? Evil is the opposite of what we believe in, my friend. I ask you now, to put aside you childish ways and groove to this tune.

There will be those that look at you and say that you are brainwashed. Let them. They will not know what you know. They will not have the arcane knowledge from the many issues of grimoires , the premium collectors editions, the information encoded in the foil holograms. But you will. Let them judge you, for they know not.

There will be those who say that they don’t understand what you have become. Let them, this is for their protection. The war against the dark days hides in the shadows of full light, and only the illuminated can fight, all others must move to the walls. We too will hide in the full light, masking our true identities to fool the enemy and protect our allies.

We will use a language that sounds incredibly similar but codes hidden meaning in every word. This will confuse our foes, and buff our victory. They will burn valuable cooldowns in an attempt to glean understanding, but we will spec our trees in such a way that there will be no effective countermeasures.

You must be a true believer to fight the good fight. Do you believe?

I believe that you have the faith, you have stayed fast for this long, and you would not listen to me with such an open mind.

Rest assured that we will go into battle with many weapons.

First, we will be united: me, you, all our brothers and sisters, field agents, sales agents, oracles, sellswords, minions, companions, mounts, pets, human shields, cannon fodder, and my uncle Frank, who is a complete badass.

Second, you will be anointed with the almighty light, oil, and flesh of the righteous messiah, for whom we fight. You will take your pound of flesh and utilize it as a stimpak of vitality and mental vigor. You will have the power flow through your nervous system, and in your blood. One bite, that’s all it will take.

Third, know that we employ the most innovative forms of kidnapping, extortion, mind-control, sharpshooting, psychological abuse, backstabbing, propaganda, sexual abuse, water boarding, tickling, mass suicide and phone calls to parents. We must be ruthless in our tactics, for our evil opposites will spare no quarter.

In our days ahead, those dark days, we will uncover many conspiracies, plots, covert actions, and press events. There will be things so offensive to us that our disgust will seem unbearable, and it will only be the sweet release of cruelty to our enemies that will keep us in check.

Know this, your faith, your blind faith will be your shield against the darkness. You will need it, for we face the most super of villains, the most dastardly of individuals and groups who possess total opposition to our beliefs and a desire to undermine them.

Our problems have one simple solution, and I will emphasize that solution repeated in the dark days ahead. I will give you a new identity to work with, one that you will keep secret. I will give you unconditional love and attention, if you devote yourself to the cause. I will control the flow of information to you, and you will be grateful for it.

Because these are dark days.

I know it.

You know it.

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