A swirling storm of madness.
Take 15 years of Art Bell, add Templars, add Freemasons, and throw in your favorite conspiracy theories. Use a high pressure vat to squeeze it down to the size of a brick. Have a snack.
Later, download EVP recordings of Terrance McKenna conversing with Cthulhu about his preferred bus routes through the fourth and fifth dimensions. While listening, gobble down any psychedelic substances you have available. Now, crawl through the neighbor’s bushes at 3 AM and wait for ETs to land, like they always do.
As soon as they step out of their craft, run wildly at them, and toss the brick at the nearest Gray you see. His fragile, spindly body will not be able to handle the assault, and he will drop. This will of course, induce a silent panic in the others, and they will flee immediately.
Now, crawl home and dial up your lizard man friends in Congress. Tell them how awesome you are. Ask them to spare your life when they complete their silent invasion.
Congrats, you just read the Illuminatus Trilogy, and potentially saved the world.