If I Were to Write to You…

Please feel free to use this for any purpose involving an EX-whatever. Happy Friday!

If I were to write to you…
Wait, does anyone still do that?

If I were to contact you…
That’s better, it pretty much covers everything.

If I were to contact you,
What would I say?
How are you?
What’s the haps?
Howzitgoin’?

What a laugh. A hoot, really.

Have you wondered how I am doing?
Doubt it.
Do you compare your new obsession to me?
Heh. You have the attention span of a hamster on meth.

I’m shaking my head a bit now.
I’m morbidly curious to see
What the opening sequence of your TV show life looks like.
How is that art project?
How is your writing?

Snicker. Snort.

To think I wrote so seriously about you.
Have to stop writing for a sec, my side is cramping.

So…
What pink animal are you chasing these days?
Perhaps a beast of another color? Purple?
What were you thinking?
What are you thinking?

What a dream it was.
Why did you get to wake up first?
You don’t deserve that kind of luck.
I’ll tell you what kind of luck you deserve.
Horror movie, car broke down in the desert luck.

Hang on, just need to take a sip of this. BRB.
Ok, back.

Did you ever figure me out?
Truly?
Nah.

You are nothing I thought you were.
You are not down, sorry to report.
Sorry if my knife is a bit sharp,
I’m just throwing out the trash.

You know you’re just being set up.
You’re making terrible choices.
Everyone thinks you’ve made an awful mistake.
It’s going to be hard to watch you take that fall.

Oh, I meant to tell you thanks.
For that letter.
It read like a bad yearbook signing.
I read it aloud to a friend. Then several more.
We laughed all afternoon.

I laughed for days.
What’s the forwarding address for that pumpkinhead planet you are now living on?

I imagine that I will see you around the holidays.
We do know so many of the same people.
I’ll try to hold back my shit-eating grin if I see you.
Can’t say the same for our friends.

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18 thoughts on “If I Were to Write to You…”

      1. You’re welcome. Most definitely liked it. Thanks for following me–and for the info on Kbuuk. I checked out their site & am considering using them sometime in the future. Later! 🙂

  1. Ouch! Very effective, but I know a few of your Exes that deserve better than this, so I’m guessing you either didn’t have them in mind or you are taking some artistic license. Of course, there are plenty of your Exes I don’t know at all…

    The parts in this one that resonate more with me is the curiosity about their lives. I especially like this line: “What the opening sequence of your TV show life looks like.” I don’t have vitriol for any of my Exes, just that idle curiosity. Frankly, I have idle curiosity about a couple of YOUR Exes as well…

    1. Hi Heather!!! Thanks for stopping by…I am looking forward to reading this one at a future spoken mic – hopefully I will get some more lolz. Hope all is well in Kbuuk land, I think I got you a few from my post the other day.

      1. Hey Tom! Thank you so much for the support, it’s much appreciated. Good luck with the speaking event! Things are moving along in Kbuuk land, lots and lots to do. I wish I could clone myself 🙂 And then write a sci-fi novel about it, and then publish and promote it on Kbuuk.

      2. I can tell you’re busy by all the updates I see on Twitter, WordPress, and everything else. I’m so ready to start promoting my Kbuuk book, as soon as the formatting is figured out, it’s full steam ahead!

  2. I chuckled SO MANY times! Definitely made me think of an ex, or two and now because of your poem, I feel as though I got the last laugh. Freaking awesome!

  3. I love how this poem actually mad me feel angry towards few people, but at the same time it had the whole humorous side in it…I especially liked the image ‘You have the attention span of a hamster on meth.’, haha, it just brough in to my mind this ridiculous monstrous creature that you can’t really take seriously but still there is something rather haunting about it. Like an ex. Anyways, I found out about this blog thanks to that ‘freshlypressed’ thing. It was well deserved, keep the good work going! 🙂

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