Putting my Head Through a Wall Sounds Good

Although it sometimes brings mitigating results, I like to dig through the old notebooks from time to time. I have never knowingly thrown away anything I have written. I have boxes of old notebooks. I try to spare you most of my overwrought writing from my youth, but occasionally something will speak to me, and I just have to share.

I didn’t always make the best choices for myself, and although the effects weren’t pretty, those bad choices inspired a shitton of writing. Here’s something from the way back, and hell, it might just speak to you as well.

It’s beyond my reach
But in my grasp
I’ve never gone as far
But yet here I am

It isn’t because of
Lack of will
Lack of code
Lack of policy enforced

I don’t know why
But here I am

Spinning, reeling
Self-abused, self-effaced
Admitted loser
By my own hand

Aware. I am aware
Of my state
Of my status
Of my lost battle of the will

I am scrambling for an answer
But my hands remain empty

If I peer inside
I find little worth
Only instinct, desire, reaction
No true revealing clues

My mind a dusty attic
A rotten basement
Of mold and rot
Collapsing beams

I am such an asshole to myself
And to any that choose to be involved

Still I persist
Pulling on my leash
Ignoring the damage
As strap rips through flesh

A dumb animal
Vicious and troubling
It won’t end until it stops
As idiotic as that sounds

For the unstoppable force
Seeks the immovable object

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13 thoughts on “Putting my Head Through a Wall Sounds Good”

  1. I didn’t even really know you until I read your written words. !! Even when you were a kid, I noticed this. I’m so glad you kept on writing.

  2. “I am such an asshole to myself
    And any that chose to be involved”

    I looooove these lines because they are so relevant to my life. I really feel your younger self’s pain, bro.

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