My Story Can Finally Be Told

One of my favorite things about writing, blogging, and putting it out there is what comes back to you. Sometimes you have to wait for a while, but it can be pure amazeballs when it arrives.

Case in point: The passage you will find below. In the week of my new book’s launch, I put out some all-calls to Facebook land — the usually shameless self-promotion that the indie author/artist/musician must do to survive in a world drowning in content and voices.

A former military badass friend of mine (and former student as well) took the time to reveal what he had learned about me from his time as an agent of a shadow organization. I am convinced he knows real-life ninjas and a few mind-blowing secrets that will most certainly die with him. So yeah, he’s kinda scary. Don’t mess with him.

I present his full post, which for the first time anywhere, tells the true story of how I entered the world and I how I will conquer it. Also, it shows me that this kid has some writing chops. I fully plan to drag him into the Bizarro world. I hope he’s ready.

From the mobile phone of Nick E. —

Tom Lucas is more than just a man. He is a demi-god. There are tales about Tom Lucas… Legends. Myths. Wikipedia pages. Here is just some of what I’ve gathered:

In December, many years ago, Tom Lucas shot right out of the womb with the furious speed of a 12-gauge shotgun, blasting into the chest of the doctor, who died on impact. Breast milk was unable to nourish this monster of a baby, who had the body of a midget on horse steroids, with enormous muscles covering his entire physique, including a twelve pack for an abdomen, and bowling balls for biceps. No, instead of milk, this hell spawn of a child required bottles of scotch, cartons of Marlboro Reds, and pounds of bacon to remain well nourished. He would only breastfeed for fun, on other children’s mothers. Tom Lucas lost his virginity before his father. To this day, scientists are still trying to understand this phenomenon. Currently, the most widely accepted theory within the scientific community involves time travel, however the mystery remains unsolved.

In 2001, Tom Lucas, or Disco-TomFoolery, as his techno-biker gang knew him as, pulled off the largest heist in United States history when he stole the entire Detroit Lions football stadium, the Silverdome, and hid it in his garage for a year, forcing the Lions to move to Ford Field to play their games. After a year of partying and cocaine-fueled orgies, Disco-Tom grew tired of the Silverdome, and returned it to its original location. While returning it though, the Detroit Police Department busted him, and he was thrown in jail for 5 years.

During his five-year sentence in the Detroit maximum-security prison known as “Oprah’s Wormhole”, Disco-Tom taught himself how to read and write, with his eyes closed. Using his minds eye, he began to master the art of the written word, and begun crafting novels by using telekinesis to move the pen across the paper. His penmanship was flawless, like a teenage girl on Adderall, and his words and the stories he told were so epic that Shakespeare farted in his grave. Witnesses claim that the fart smelled of roses and romance.

In 2005, Tom was released from “Oprah’s Wormhole” due to good behavior, although historians argue that Lucas perhaps used a Jedi Mind trick to bend the will of the Parole Board.

Tom Lucas became a teacher, and then began publishing novels, the very same novels that he came up with in prison. Leather to the Corinthians was so critically acclaimed that it won an Oscar award, Grammy award, Emmy award, Golden Globe award, Tony award, Academy award, MTV Music award, Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award, The Medal Of Honor, and the Nobel Peace Price, and Pulitzer Prize for the category of “Best Fucking Thing Ever, Holy Shit, Buy This Now” category.

So there you have it folks. Tom Lucas. The man, the myth, the legend, the cliché, the overused phrase. Many deny these legends and myths as lies, fabrications, or something I just came up with right now out of boredom. But others know the truth. Do you believe?

Like = You Believe!
Share = You KNOW!
Comment = You commented!

My dad says if we get enough likes, he’ll buy me Jupiter for my birthday, so please share and like, and Bill Gates will give you $1000, and I just won the lottery so If I reach 50 comments, then all 50 commenters will get $10,000!!! Guys, you can’t make this sort of stuff up, this is the truth. Read the Facebook terms of use. The third Facebook Commandment states “thou shalt not troll.”

Wow, I can’t believe I wrote all this crap. I can’t believe YOU read all this crap. uhm yeah, so that’s the end of my post. Special thanks to Morgan Freeman for narrating everything, and Depeche Mode for the original soundtrack.

That’s it folks. I’m done. Can you believe I did this all on my phone? I am NOT going back to proofread, so sorry for errors.


Damn. This was just too good not to share. Right?


12 thoughts on “My Story Can Finally Be Told”

  1. Wow! That Nick guy is hilarious, and his writing is wildly creative! He should be your protégé, I think you could make this kid famous! That is one serious bad ass biography, you should even use that as your biography in your books. Hell you should get him to write an entire full length biography of you… if it’s as entertaining as this, then I bet it would be a blast to read! Great stuff Tom, glad you shared that with us, and graced us with Nick’s incredible ability! I loved this! I hope to hear more from Nick on the future!

    1. Dear John,

      I think Nick’s got the stuff. To make sure that he doesn’t disappear deep into this blog, I’ve added this bio to my perma bio page, Lies and Rumors. Killer stuff.

  2. Wow, thanks John “NotNick” Doe!

    And thank YOU Tom, for the kind words and for taking my little mini bio and putting it up on your blog! Really means so much to me! I write all the time, and I’m very private about my writing, but you’ve certainly boosted my confidence with what you said. Seriously, it’s truly an honor to receive such kind words, especially from somebody I respect so much.

    I’m ready for the Bizaro world!!!

    Who knew something as small as a blogpost would give me such inspiration and confidence?! Thank you for this!

    One day I’ll publish a book, and I’ll be sure to dedicate it to you, for lighting a fire in me and making me believe in myself.

    All Hail Disco-TomFoolery… Master of the Written Word, King of Manliness, Lord of Motivation and Inspiration… And friend. Friend of Friends!

    All Hail Tom Lucas!!!

  3. Nick! Fuck you man, that was great. Look at you getting all connected with writers, and who would have thought your writing would be as epically nonsensical and funny! Good job bro! Also, I’m going to shamelessly self promote my website here and maybe you can write a biography for me one day (

    1. Hey Trevor!

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Yes! support Nick! Support me! Buy my books!

      And anyone reading this comment, go check out Trevor’s website right now!

  4. Great fun to liven up one’s day!! Too bad the doctor had to die though!! I thought doctors didn’t want to deliver babies any more because of expensive malpractice insurance….now I know the real reason!!

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