Lies and Rumors

Tom Lucas was born and raised in Detroit, and although currently enjoying the lack of snow and ice in Florida, remains a son of the post-industrial apocalypse.

He is a college professor, author, blogger, poet, book reviewer, and spoken word performer.

Tom has been published in Writer’s Digest, The Writer’s Monthly Review, The South End, The Oakland Press, The Macomb Daily, Orbit, Anthropomorphic, and U. Magazine. He has also been featured in literary journals such as The Write Place at the Write Time, Graffiti Rag, F*cked Up Fairy Tales, and Dark Fire Fiction.

He is the author of the bizarro novels Pax Titanus and Leather to the Corinthians.

When not writing, Tom likes to drive fast and take chances.

Connect with Tom on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TomLucasAuthor

OK THAT’S MY OFFICIAL BIO. HERE’S THE REAL STORY. BUCKLE UP.

From the mobile phone of one Nick E. —

Tom Lucas is more than just a man. He is a demi-god. There are tales about Tom Lucas… Legends. Myths. Wikipedia pages. Here is just some of what I’ve gathered:

In December, many years ago, Tom Lucas shot right out of the womb with the furious speed of a 12-gauge shotgun, blasting into the chest of the doctor, who died on impact. Breast milk was unable to nourish this monster of a baby, who had the body of a midget on horse steroids, with enormous muscles covering his entire physique, including a twelve pack for an abdomen, and bowling balls for biceps. No, instead of milk, this hell spawn of a child required bottles of scotch, cartons of Marlboro Reds, and pounds of bacon to remain well nourished. He would only breastfeed for fun, on other children’s mothers. Tom Lucas lost his virginity before his father. To this day, scientists are still trying to understand this phenomenon. Currently, the most widely accepted theory within the scientific community involves time travel, however the mystery remains unsolved.

In 2001, Tom Lucas, or Disco-TomFoolery, as his techno-biker gang knew him as, pulled off the largest heist in United States history when he stole the entire Detroit Lions football stadium, the Silverdome, and hid it in his garage for a year, forcing the Lions to move to Ford Field to play their games. After a year of partying and cocaine-fueled orgies, Disco-Tom grew tired of the Silverdome, and returned it to its original location. While returning it though, the Detroit Police Department busted him, and he was thrown in jail for 5 years.

During his five-year sentence in the Detroit maximum-security prison known as “Oprah’s Wormhole”, Disco-Tom taught himself how to read and write, with his eyes closed. Using his minds eye, he began to master the art of the written word, and begun crafting novels by using telekinesis to move the pen across the paper. His penmanship was flawless, like a teenage girl on Adderall, and his words and the stories he told were so epic that Shakespeare farted in his grave. Witnesses claim that the fart smelled of roses and romance.

In 2005, Tom was released from “Oprah’s Wormhole” due to good behavior, although historians argue that Lucas perhaps used a Jedi Mind trick to bend the will of the Parole Board.

Tom Lucas became a teacher, and then began publishing novels, the very same novels that he came up with in prison. Leather to the Corinthians was so critically acclaimed that it won an Oscar award, Grammy award, Emmy award, Golden Globe award, Tony award, Academy award, MTV Music award, Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award, The Medal Of Honor, and the Nobel Peace Price, and Pulitzer Prize for the category of “Best Fucking Thing Ever, Holy Shit, Buy This Now” category.

So there you have it folks. Tom Lucas. The man, the myth, the legend, the cliché, the overused phrase. Many deny these legends and myths as lies, fabrications, or something I just came up with right now out of boredom. But others know the truth. Do you believe?

Like = You Believe!
Share = You KNOW!
Comment = You commented!

 

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16 thoughts on “Lies and Rumors”

    1. My comics were proudly displayed in two art shows…I have the guidebooks, but I have never had them translated…in time, I plan to post them here and maybe crank out some more…or maybe a cartoon?!!!

  1. Hey Tom, Thanks for deciding to follow my blog, but there a few suggestions for first time readers, which I feel compelled to pass along.

    1) Always prepare a large ice-cold tumbler of your favorite beverage beforehand.
    2) Seek out a supremely comfy area and recline.
    3) Elevate your feet.
    4) You may now begin reading.
    5) Scratch the occasional itch.

    By following these simple recommendations you will find your reading pleasure greatly enhanced…and after all…isn’t that what we truly seek in this life?

    Be encouraged!

  2. “…incredibly desperate decision to move to Florida. There, in the plastic land of Boca Raton, he reinvented himself.”

    This made me chuckle. I’m on the other coast, but it is no less plastic here.

    1. I lived in Venice Beach for a couple years. Both coasts have a plastic population — in LA it seemed that the vanity was fueled by desire. In Boca, they seemed content to just be plastic.

      1. A little less glamorous, I think…perhaps a little more “blue collar retiree in mobile home park” and “old stoner” types – less edgy – so yeah, probably a little more chill on this side of the swamp

  3. Hi, I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for stopping by and following my blog! I hope you continue to enjoy my work. I especially enjoyed your series on Self publishing as I am in the process of creating my first Photo/Travel Memoir. Thanks again!

  4. Hi Tom, loved your short bio, LOL, it’s perfect! Keep on writing. Thank you for the follow, wanting to let you know that my post is a bilingual one. So if you get an Italian poem, please be patient, an English one will soon follow. I’m doing my best to keep things balanced 🙂
    Anna

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Creative Writing – Poetry – Short Pieces – News – By Tom Lucas

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