Category Archives: Rant

Come a Little Closer: AUDIO DOWNLOAD

I recently had the opportunity to get into the studio with a good friend of mine and record a number of my spoken word pieces. Here is the first of many I will be making available. Come a Little Closer has always been one of my faves. It was my first posts on this site. Give it a listen, share it, download it and corrupt your iPod. Next week I hope to have a companion video piece for you as well. Later gators…

Rather read it? Man, you are so OLD SCHOOL. Come a Little Closer…

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LEVEL UP!

At the end of last week, I put out a small excerpt from the actual novel. Jacob P. Smorely, a minor character at best, provided a first glance at Scratch Microphone and The Dodge Tribe. In the end, there was some great feedback…thanks to all who stopped by to click “like”, leave feedback, or send me a message. As I have mentioned before, my novel features a commentator of sorts (the sleazy SNAKE OIL SALESMAN), who lays out thematic monologues between chapters. Here’s another one for you.

And now it’s time for the most glorious event in the life of any hero. It’s the time when you approach your quest hub and start grinding for experience. I have a quest for you, and I know you can do it.

Life is a grind, so I don’t want to just add one more to your grueling, pathetic life. But I will.

Complete my quest, and you will not only earn valuable loot, but you will be one more step to that constant goal, the goal to level up.

Who doesn’t want to level up? Who doesn’t want to chase the dragon?

Of course, we all do. My quest for you will send you to the far corners of the game map in the hopes that you will collect all the necessary components to build the great weapon, the weapon you will use to destroy the big boss.

Now, there is much you must master. There are the mechanics, you see, the mechanics of the fight that are unique but yet somehow familiar. There is really only so many ways to skin a cat, although I personally have never done so. However, the mechanics remain to be mastered, and the mechanics are a bitch.

Perhaps the worst part of your quest will be the necessary evil of working with others to achieve you goal. There is only one true rule for working with people – you must make the realization that people will disappoint you, and they will do so on a regular basis.

I take one look at you and I know that you are a solo player. You are already formulating strategies that will minimize your contact with others. You have been so damaged by previous collaborations that the mere idea of having to form a party for your quest ahead forcibly empties your bowels. I get that, but I don’t have an alternative for you.

People do suck, it’s true.

You have gotten so far in the game without them. It’s been a pleasure to grind for gold, get your XP, and solo quests. It’s your favorite part of the game, and I am taking it away from you.

Would it reassure you to know that this is a personal growth possibility? Would it help you to know that there is loot at the end of this quest that dwarfs all the loot you have managed to accumulate so far? What might I do or say that will entice you to accept my quest and seek the valor you crave so dearly?

Maybe if I gave you a public test realm walkthough of said quest? Would that get your desire to clear mounds of trash to rise?

I can give you a bit of a preview, but mind you, there are patches and hotfixes ahead. Your results may vary. Make your savings throw versus massive disappointment now. Scratch your balls and pray you roll a 20.

What if I told you that you would have the opportunity to eat mushrooms, grow large (or potentially small), get a second life, and valuable guild rep? What if I told you that the boss throws huge flaming barrels of fiery death? What if I told you that you could fill your belly with dots and run screaming from ghosts?

Starting to sound a bit more interesting? There are many phases to this quest; there will be much for you to study. There will be scrolls and lore, puzzles and traps. There will be many non-player characters to interact with. There will be cards to collect, and small creatures to match against your foes. It is key to know the abilities of these small creatures, for they will help you become a master.

So what say you? Will you help me with this quest? I am far too busy to undertake it myself?

What say you?

You say yes! This is good, I know that you will not regret the time invested, the ROI is quite high. There is much for you to do.

Update your addons, watch your videos, create a party, and go forth. You will have many obstacles to overcome, but with a solid vent connection and an attractive avatar, you are bound for glory.

Go forth and conquer, the entire kingdom is relying on you. Even if most of them do suck.

 

The Final Chapter

The rousing conclusion to my INCREDIBLE novel, Leather to the Corinthians, which will be available later this year. Enjoy.

It’s now that time on the show when we turn to our personal hand-tooled leather bound copy of the Book of Revelations and Traditional Wok Cooking the Old School Way.

Turn to Page 3.

The Book Of Revelations is your handy guide to the obvious signs that the sky is falling, Chicken Littles. The low priests in the high office and the high-on priests in the front office have convened over beers and burritos, sacrificed two small barnyard animals and have DINED AND DASHED. They have scoped out the scenery and it does not bode well.

The dark shadow trail of Armageddon has loomed above us, and jeez, do you know how much a movie costs these days? It’s like they make popcorn out of solid gold. They want you to stay home.

It is said that a lone figure, distant and unclear, will step to the plate and callout the downward spiral of life on this miserable speck of a speck on the Demigod of the Month’s sorry, omnipotent, pimply ass. This figure brandishes a trumpet to punctuate every end-of-life-as-we-know-it Kodak moment.

And when that dark Big Band Sound starts to wail, baby, and get ready to dig the bitter end.

The trumpet blows once, and your Ed McMahon sealed envelope with your possible winnings arrives via registered mail to you EI Rancho Villa style home. This envelope, along with all its contents spells, when the first letter of every sentence in the Free Truck Early-Bird Offer, the word Babylon, which of course is an anagram for SPAM IS COMING. This is also known as the opening of the first seal act, or the falling of the tower of Potted Meat Product.

The What’s On Second Seal is all that typical stuff: the sea turns to fire, the moon becomes the color of money, no smoking signs go up everywhere, the animals finally admit they can talk, and hailstones the size of volleyballs fall to Earth causing irreparable damage to Gulf Coast homes with no hurricane insurance. After the opening of the second seal, clothing decorated with Professional Athletic Team logos is suddenly affordable.

The first stage of the Apocalypse, consisting of the opening of the first and 2nd seals will last approximately 6 months, to begin on a Monday and end on a Monday, with one long weekend off so that everyone can get to know the Antichrist on a private junket to Barbados. Pack sunscreen. Continue reading The Final Chapter

An Important Message From The Management

Another excerpt from the my astounding novel, Leather to the Corinthians.

 

These are dark days. I know it. You know it.

These are dark days. The forces of evil surround us. Can you feel it? Can you feel the vibrations of negative energy pushing upon you. Like a bubble, it encircles us, and seeks to destroy us.

These are dark days. Won’t someone save us?

Won’t someone fly in and make it right? Who will serve the justice that is so desperately needed.

Who will save us?

Why is it, you and I, why is it that when the chips are down, when the dark clouds roll in, when the coupon expires, why is it that we take a quick look around the room and ask:

“Who is going to take care of all this mess?”

We went to the restaurant, and made a big mess at the table. We would like to think we can peel off a couple of bucks, throw it down, and let some mangy hippy busboy clean up the mess. Damage control through commerce.

So here we are, smoke plumes rising, water pipes ruptured, corpses in the street. Here we are, gun in our hand, body on the ground, powder burns on our fingers. We are the wardens of our darkness, and the cosigners of destruction. But yet we look to the sky for our great messiah to save us from, well…

Ourselves.

These are dark days, perhaps the darkest of all. What are we to do?

What would you say if I told you that I have the solution, I have the power, and I can deliver it unto you? Are you intrigued? Are you quickly flipping open your digital handheld to see when you can fit a session with your doom trainer to figure this all out?

You better ink me into that calendar, you had better make the time.

You say, don’t you worry, I am on board, I am on board 100 percent.

Good! Because I have the solution, I have a way out. I have a way that we can break through the clouds of pure evil that hover over our heads, ready to dump warm piss upon our heads. I want you here with me, because I believe that together, we are impossible to defeat. Invincible you might say.
Join me on the mystikal road to victory. With great powers comes the greater responsibility, and we will be imbued with both. Join me, and join the others who also look to the horizon and see the menace of the days to come.

You may have asked yourself, what is this evil, what is the essence of evil. Perhaps, what is the definition of evil? Evil is the opposite of what we believe in, my friend. I ask you now, to put aside you childish ways and groove to this tune.

There will be those that look at you and say that you are brainwashed. Let them. They will not know what you know. They will not have the arcane knowledge from the many issues of grimoires , the premium collectors editions, the information encoded in the foil holograms. But you will. Let them judge you, for they know not.

There will be those who say that they don’t understand what you have become. Let them, this is for their protection. The war against the dark days hides in the shadows of full light, and only the illuminated can fight, all others must move to the walls. We too will hide in the full light, masking our true identities to fool the enemy and protect our allies.

We will use a language that sounds incredibly similar but codes hidden meaning in every word. This will confuse our foes, and buff our victory. They will burn valuable cooldowns in an attempt to glean understanding, but we will spec our trees in such a way that there will be no effective countermeasures.

You must be a true believer to fight the good fight. Do you believe?

I believe that you have the faith, you have stayed fast for this long, and you would not listen to me with such an open mind.

Rest assured that we will go into battle with many weapons.

First, we will be united: me, you, all our brothers and sisters, field agents, sales agents, oracles, sellswords, minions, companions, mounts, pets, human shields, cannon fodder, and my uncle Frank, who is a complete badass.

Second, you will be anointed with the almighty light, oil, and flesh of the righteous messiah, for whom we fight. You will take your pound of flesh and utilize it as a stimpak of vitality and mental vigor. You will have the power flow through your nervous system, and in your blood. One bite, that’s all it will take.

Third, know that we employ the most innovative forms of kidnapping, extortion, mind-control, sharpshooting, psychological abuse, backstabbing, propaganda, sexual abuse, water boarding, tickling, mass suicide and phone calls to parents. We must be ruthless in our tactics, for our evil opposites will spare no quarter.

In our days ahead, those dark days, we will uncover many conspiracies, plots, covert actions, and press events. There will be things so offensive to us that our disgust will seem unbearable, and it will only be the sweet release of cruelty to our enemies that will keep us in check.

Know this, your faith, your blind faith will be your shield against the darkness. You will need it, for we face the most super of villains, the most dastardly of individuals and groups who possess total opposition to our beliefs and a desire to undermine them.

Our problems have one simple solution, and I will emphasize that solution repeated in the dark days ahead. I will give you a new identity to work with, one that you will keep secret. I will give you unconditional love and attention, if you devote yourself to the cause. I will control the flow of information to you, and you will be grateful for it.

Because these are dark days.

I know it.

You know it.

A Pause for Station Identification

Another excerpt from my most amazing chainsaw novel, Leather to the Corinthians. In time, I will have snappy audio downloads to complete your experience.

 

Welcome to my cult. I can see that you have been getting very comfortable here. I take one look at you and I think:

This kid is going places.

 

Hey, I don’t have to tell you that. I have no reason to flatter you. Still you can put that little baby in your pocket for one of those unhappy days when the world shits on you and then drops down for several teabags before calling your mom and asking her out on a date that will never happen. Your mother’s self-esteem stock will drop value, but I digress.

This cult, it’s like no other, and I know that you know that.

It’s the true cult of obsession. And where we sit, obsession is a good thing.

 

How do you spend your days? From the moment I rise, I start putting it out there. I have my multiple updates to share with the world, my adoring followers. I use every media channel available, and I have recently started Mental Mind Blogging, which is a fantastic way to spread your awesomeness. People subscribe to your thoughts.

There are many who are obsessed with me. They post their comments, write about me, compose tribute videos, forge holographic slash fictions, and smother me with their buttery love.

 

You could have this.

You could join in the obsession. You could have pundits wax poetically about your lunchtime choices, be the feature of blurbs and cameos.

 

You could have this.

You could have the t-shirts and the posters. You could have the squawkshow gigs and the book tours. You’re going places, kid.

You have to foster the obsession. Right place, right time. Location. Location. Location. You have to pull the strings, push the buttons, walk the walk.

But most of all, you have to be seen.

 

Their cameras are waiting. Their recorders are on. The moment I walk out the door, every breath, every step, every nose pick is documented. It can be a bit jarring at first, but to have a complete tongue bath of attention for doing nothing but walking to your overpriced exotic motor vehicle is a reward beyond value.

 

The obsession is intoxicating.

 

Of course, those folks have a healthy obsession. Money and fame of their own. You are the meat that puts the meat on the table. It’s the circle of life.

They are the conduit to those who will hang on every word and be mindlessly entertained by your trips to the grocery store and regular high colonics. Your shit is their salvation.

They have nothing to live for, they have no greatness to see in the mirror. So they live though you. They find their peace in their obsession with you. The folks outside your door are the vehicle that drives it all.

You will have many fans, many focal points of obsession if you follow my ways. You will have what I have, and maybe, just maybe more.

Careful though, there have been a few that thought stabbing me with a screwdriver was the most appropriate way to display their devotion to me. You might have a sniper or two, so watch your interactions.

It’s really just the cost of doing business, and believe me the business is good.

That look in your eye as I explain the virtues and pitfalls tells me all I need to know about you. You’re hungry and you’re on board. You need that love, you need that attention. You are starving for it. You have a big empty hole inside you and the only solution is the spackle of narcissistic fulfillment.

That’s why you’re here kid. That’s why you found me.

You have that hole, and no matter what you have used: mind-altering substances, flesh trade volunteers, copious consumption. No matter what you did, no matter what the solvent, the hole remained.

Hence, your obsession. And this is why you are here.

 

Welcome to my cult. It’s where you belong.

 

Here you will feed your obsession, and grow it to a healthy size. Here you will learn how to encourage the obsessions of others. You will learn how to trick the human mind into thinking that your mundane life is filled with profound moments that will fulfill them at the most highest levels and fuel their obsession.

It takes time, care, and coordination, but once you get going it’s pretty easy to manage. Sheeple are sheeple, and no offense, they will get obsessed with just about any muthafucka that got a headline.

You should be that muthafucka, I think you have the right stuff kid. Follow my lead, remember that bad PR is good PR, never let them see you sweat, get in trouble now and again to keep them guessing, and work in a redemption story to really grab them.

 

Welcome to my cult.

Their obsession will be your obsession.

We Will Be Back Right After This…

Another rant from my novel…

 

Ok, I want you to do something for me. I want you to do it right now. Don’t give me any static.

"Warning" by jurvetson

Take a good look at the sign on the wall over there. You see it?

The sign reads: “THE RULES.”

Got yer tired eyes looking at the thing? Good. Here’s the deal, and it’s non-negotiable.

If you join the club, you gotta follow the rules. Otherwise, don’t join the club.

I know what you are going to do. You’re one of the smart ones, or so you think. You’re the kind of Jagermeister swilling hip-to-be-square types, too cool for school. Think the rules don’t apply to you. Yeah, I get it.

I want you to do something for me. I want you to do it right now.

Brush that trend ‘do back and read the rules carefully. I am telling you right now that if you join my club, you will have to follow the rules.

Hey, the first one is “No spitting.” That should be easy enough.

I have seen your type a million times. I have rejected your friend request and I have sent your uploads spooling endlessly. I can spot your M.O. in my peripheral vision. I’m that good.

You don’t think you have to follow the rules. Don’t deny it, you know that it is true. Your whole life you have defined yourself as someone not like everyone else. Not a joiner, that’s for fail punks and mainstream douchebags. You ain’t drinking the Kool-aid.

Fair enough. I bow to your coolness. In fact, I admire it.

But rules are rules, and don’t even think about joining the club if you aren’t going to follow them.

So you say, “No worries, daddy-o. I can follow those rules.” That’s because you know I got the good cookies, and there is something awesome going on backstage. You want that pass, I see it in your eyes.

I want to believe you, but I know you can’t go long without making a contrary statement, pressing the vanity button. Still….there’s something there though, some kind of potential, that makes me want to say yes.

I love your enthusiasm. I love your willingness. I love that fact that you are willing to put down those wrinkled, rollback beliefs and join a winning team. Happy to have you on board with these initiatives. Welcome aboard!

I don’t think a special someone like you would want to sign up for this if everyone was doing it. You’re an early adapter, I get that. I know that if this gets too, oh popular, you’ll start trolling forums and stir up the pot. Not only do I get that, but I am counting on it.

‘Cause, you can’t make an omelet if you don’t break some eggs. Trite yes, but damn true. We’re talking about creative destruction. Let’s break it, smash it down, and build it from scratch. Let’s fuck with it and see what comes out of it.

This initiative isn’t for the weak and palsy. Hell no, you gotta be tough to play my game, you gotta have wits, you gotta have creativity.

And it’s clear to me that you have all that.

We’re about to embark on a New and Improved World Order, we are going to make changes yes we are. When we get done, you’re not even going to recognize the place.

Still with me? Like I ever had a doubt.

Now this is going to have some sacrifice involved. You may have to cut those ties, be ready to walk away in an instant. People are going to get hurt. And there probably won’t be much of a warning.

I want you to do something for me. I want you to do it right now.

Repeat after me:

“Life can change in an instant.”

Very good. Now say:

“Shit happens.”

Excellent. Now one more:

“Better to be pissed off then pissed on.”

Perfect.

I am going to be honest with you, and the fact that I am being honest with you should be yet another affirmation that you have made an excellent choice joining me going forward. It’s always good to have a back up plan. So if you don’t have one, I need you to get with it. Map out that plan B, and maybe a Plan C.

I would love to give you a guarantee that everything will work out to the last lettered detail, but I am only responsible for the effort, not the result. No matter how it goes, it will go.

So do whatever prep you need to do and get back real quick. We are about to position our shields and lower our spears to throat level. We are going to stick some pigs, you and I. They got it coming, and we are just the people to do it.

Just remember that sign on the wall when you signed up.

If you join the club, you gotta play by the rules son.

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor.

Another rant from my highly regarded novel manuscript, Leather to the Corinthians.

 

Well, well, well.

Can you smell what’s cooking? Are those delicious smells wafting under your well-trimmed nostrils? Are you salivating, chomping at the bit?

A-n-t-c-i-p-a-t-i-o-n.

Let me ask you, what banner do you fly? What’s your flag? Where do you place that salute? Who gets your pledge?

As a wise man once asked, “What’s in your pipe?”

Cause baby, you gotta know. I got this gut feeling, this instinct about you. I know that you aren’t some nameless drone in a herd of Sheeple. Just by looking at you, I can tell you are something special. Here, have a participation trophy on me.

I would never criticize you, or judge you. You are far too amazing. You know, if no one has ever told you, I will tell you now.

You have potential.

I just lied – not about you having potential – no way. I lied about never criticizing you. I do have a criticism for you. You aren’t doing enough with that amazing you that you are. I’m serious here! You have massive amounts of untapped potential. You are overflowing.

Feeling a little bit better? Good.

You need a banner to fly, or one to ride under. I think you may have one of your own, just for some reason, you are paying some Neanderthal to guard it as it sits in a pay-by-the-month storage facility.

I’m asking you, “What’s in your pipe?”

If you don’t know, or you’re just not sure, then you have to stick with me.  I have the knowledge, the key, the philosophy, THE CAUSE for you to believe in. I know that life has a way of grinding you like fair trade coffee, it has a way of digitally chaining you in the corner, with nothing but cold gruel and flagellation to keep you going. All I know about cold gruel and flagellation is that two out of ten people like it.

Looking at your face, I don’t think you’re in that demographic. I think you want out of those chains. Well, guess what?

You have the key. You can unlock yourself at anytime. You don’t have to put baby in the corner. All I need you to do is believe in me. Join me, and together we will rule the universe.

Look at those ants, those worker drones sitting next to you, quietly dying in their personal cells. Suffering needlessly because someone, somewhere, told them that this was the road to happiness, the golden pathway to salvation. Work hard, and you’ll be rewarded. Do as I say, follow the rules, and it will be a glorious life of rewards for you.

What a bunch of fucking fools, right?

I know that you are not one of them. You are no fool. You have just been waiting for your chance, your mission, your helicopter ride out of the shit. Maybe you have felt incapable, or scared. That’s ok, that’s normal. That’s exactly how they want you to think.

I don’t want you to think like they want you to. FUCK THAT. I want you to think as I do, because believe me, it’s the best thing for you. I don’t want to see someone as special as you wither on the vine, programmed for self-obselecence. I want you to tap into that great potential of yours, and put it to use.

Do as I say, and trust me, you’ll be happy. I am the man with the plan, I got the spreadsheets, the inside track, I know what’s going down. Let me plant these seeds, baby, so you can dig.

This ain’t no joke, I am not fucking around. I got the golden ticket right here for you, you just gotta sign on the dotted line. I need your signature, or this motion is never going to pass.

I can tell that I’ve got your interest. Let me ask you, “Who loves you, baby?”

That’s right. I do.

I love you and everything you stand for, because you stand for me and behind me. Look, I know it’s sudden. Here you were, lost in the woods, shipwrecked, given the wrong food at the drive-thru. Then suddenly, there I was, powerful and enticing and possessing a hell of a message.

I know, I get it a lot.

What I am telling you is that I will give you the reason to fight. You no longer have to figure it out for yourself. I am you friend, protector, and champion. I will right what is wrong and you will agree with me because you know I am the right man for the job, and that I stand for everything I believe in.

At this point, that needs to be enough. I can’t have you questioning my moves, because everything that I will do from this point forward, I do for me, for you, for us.

There will be the doubters, the protesters, those who won’t shut their fucking mouths and get on with it, but you are not going to be one of those. You are going to be one of those that FUCKING gets it, knows what’s up, and sees the trees for the forest. There will be no stutter in your step, that is for damn sure.

Because my friend, I am going to take care of everything for you. Everything. Just fly my banner, fly my flag, salute me when I walk by, and do what I tell you to do. You have to know that you are one of the special ones, remember that. As I told you before, you have massive potential, what you have to say matters, and I will always respect your feelings. Your cause is my cause as long as your cause is my cause.

So worry no more, get back to what you were doing, move along nothing to see here. I got your back, I got you covered, and I got it taken care of. Just stay out of my way and nobody gets hurt.

Nobody that matters, that is.