Category Archives: Rant

Come a Little Closer…

This rant has been with me for quite a while, and has seen more than a few revisions, with more likely. It’s the intro piece to my currently unpublished yet amazing novel Leather to the Corinthians.

I know what ails you.

Gather round, all you tattooed, lost soul wandering, Wi-Fi/Lo-Fi mutants! Come! Come over here, all you swollen pineal gland, third eye having, genetically crossbred hybrid super-freaks! Get on with your bad selves! Turn on, all you telepathic, degenerate, UFO subterranean gaping-mouthed, prehensile tail monsters! Come see the true reality! Come see the answer!

I know what ails you.

I know what troubles bring you forward in droves to stare at the mighty juice, the glorious oil that transforms the beaten into full-blown raving geniuses. What I offer will not only satisfy, it will fulfill. I know this because I have looked into your shallow eye sockets and have seen the bloodstained traumas and horrors of your ancient astronaut ancestors — ancestors whose bio-seeds gave birth to the many-armed succubae tormentors of your secret psychic souls. Your years of meta-body personal apocalypse, for which no self-help book can repair, are nearing their end as you drop open drooling jaws to this ultimate, extreme wonderproduct of the new and improved age. A tonic to exhilarate! An oil to lubricate! A cure for all that ails you!

Yes, come closer. See the cure. Witness its power. See for yourself that which you have sought all along! For I alone have the cure for all of your miseries, mysterious diagnosed conditions, typed and phenotyped.

A blitzkrieg of postmodern, avant-garde consumption is what stands before you, sporting a gleaming showcase and stellar package design. Know that great pains were taken by reality contest-winning champions of marketing and psychology to achieve such consumer-leeching greatness! Admire its modern sleekness with a nod to past tradition. Absorb its glorious aura, which speaks to wisdom beyond your minuscule sensory abilities. A Holy Tribute to all concepts of mass marketing, it plunges bull’s-eye darts into your dark demographic, laser-sighting all of your self-flagellating desires. All your life you have wanted to know what could fill your personal void. What Spackle could handle a hole that size? You always knew there was something missing, and you have paced trenches in your Astroturf trying to figure it out.

Well, by golly, here it is! Here is the panacea for your stunted and lackluster existence.

Wait — before I show you, there is much, much more. Oh, do I hear a moan? And do I hear whines? Will the sound of a thousand bloggers flaming this humble salesman rock the night sky? Please, I know you’re excited, but please take the instant-action medication of your choice and take a deep fucking breath.

I know that your vertebrae have strained and snapped under the wheel of the MAN. I know that your condemnation to LIVE BY THE SWEAT OF YOUR BROW has imprisoned you in the prison of your manual labors. Oh, how the blood and tears have dribbled off your skin and fallen to the ground only to evaporate without acknowledgment! No crime so great should go unpunished. Honestly, I know. It’s really too much for anyone to take.

That is why I am here.

Eye Scream by FatMandy
“Eye Scream” by FatMandy.


I hear you.


I hear you.

I know what ails you.

You scream and pull your hair out and nothing seems right. No amount of manufactured content can satiate that deep, dark hole that you possess. The more you take in, the more you have to take in. This is truly madness!

I won’t toy with you for much longer, my fine multi-celled beastly brothers and sisters. Mark my words; you will dig deep for this key to tomorrow’s satisfaction. Your excitement is palpable! Rejoice in finally knowing that there is a final destination for your carefully monitored paycheck.

That is why I am here today with my powerhouse product.

I know that what I offer you will silence the screams. It will ease the suffering and bring peace and serenity to all. Yes, it will cost you. But what, my friend, does not cost you?

I see your eyes darting about at the retina-searing, clear-coated, and vending-machine-ready collection of fine goodies you find before you. I know that you ache to reach out and have these all-fulfilling objects of Styrofoam, aerosol-inspired creation. But know that the one true human emotion, WANT, will not so easily be vanquished by a mere touch. The desire to possess is beyond measure, but remember, the chase is always better than the catch. And always, always leaving them wanting more.

Unlike this lifetime, this all-purpose product has a warranty and a guarantee. And coming soon? A 24-hour, online support chat room. So come closer and I will show you more!

Rather listen to my audio awesomeness? Here you go: