Tag Archives: Humor

You Can’t Tuna Fish



When he was young, Ed was beaten by bullies because he couldn’t get into his locker fast enough. Goddamn combination lock.

After graduation, he enrolled in a key-making school where he learned to make a wide variety of keys – for the home, for lock boxes and safes, and even for skeletons.

He had a child. She would never suffer as he had. She would be safely surrounded by keys.

He spent the next twenty years working 16 hour days, 7 days a week. Eventually he had enough money.

He bought her a piano.

She never learned to play.

Photo Credit: Paul V8 via Compfight cc


Episode 6 is LIVE

Time for Friday fun. I guess you could wait until the weekend, but c’mon.


MattyLovesPodcast episode six: “The History of Comics According To Matt and Dr. Tom, Part 2”

YouTube Link: https://youtu.be/wVaR9q-Jk3U

Published on Aug 7, 2015
— In the mid-90s, did anything substantial happen in comics story-wise?

— Matt still digs the original AGE OF APOCALYPSE.

— Check out the SUPERMAN run by JEPH LOEB and ED McGUINNESS.

— KINGDOM COME still plays.

— Tom has bad luck with comic book collections.

— Matt and Tom wish to be friends with KEVIN SMITH on a first name basis. Read: DAREDEVIL: GUARDIAN DEVIL.

— Would you listeners consider 2003-10 (or maybe even now) to be the “event era” of comic book history?

— Matt and Tom run through their most recent years of reading and collecting comics.



Follow the podcast on Twitter:

Matt de Simone’s blog:

Tom Lucas’ website:

Episode 5 is LIVE!


Here’s your Friday fix of MattyLovesPodcast!

Episode 5: The History of Comics According to Matt and Dr. Tom, Part 1.

YouTube Link: https://youtu.be/XJZRtQTOF-I

In this episode:

Published on Jul 31, 2015
— “Dr. Tom’s” pissed because he didn’t end up with cybernetics post-op. You also find out when the cabin fever kicks in after back surgery.

— “What Are You Reading?” covers THE ADHD VAMPIRE by MATTHEW VAUGHN, a bizarro novella about–you guessed it–a vampire with ADHD. Matt is reading MIRACLEMAN and enjoying MARVEL’S STAR WARS comic books.

— Matt and Tom’s “The History… Pt. 1” covers the duo’s early years of reading and collecting.

— Tom started out reading super hero books until ALAN MOORE ruined everything for him (for a while). Enter: VERTIGO’s heyday.

— Matt started out reading super hero books drawn by TODD McFARLANE, JIM LEE, ERIK LARSEN, ROB LIEFELD and MARC SILVESTRI.

[The redheaded female character Matt was confused about is named MAXIMA. Not ‘Proxima.’]

— All of this, plus Matt’s blunders over DARTH VADER’S family tree and which issue of WOLVERINE his parents randomly bought him one day.

Thanks for listening!



I’ve been trying to contact you
Although I have never said a word
I’ve been typing my thoughts to you
And sending them like prayers out
Into the ether. Never seen, but merely whispers

You have not responded
I must assume you are getting my messages
What do you think when you look down to read them?
Do you think me a fool, an asshole, or misguided?

Your apathy angers me
Your unwillingness to let me in frustrates me
Your disregard for my feelings disturbs me
Why are you so willing to ignore me?

Ignore my thoughts, my feelings, my plans, my needs, my love?
How can you go about your day without a concern.
Without a glance, without a nod, or a we’ll talk soon.
Your lack of response has driven me mad.
I have diminished myself by lurking, stalking.

I see you on your Facebook
Liking a person’s status
Making cute little comments
Posting, posting, posting.

What have you been doing the last two days?
The days that you have been ignoring me?
Let’s look at that timeline and see.

You lost your phone in the toilet.

My bad.

Photo Credit: ★ spunkinator via Compfight cc




A hammer to a nail.
A fist to a door.
The finger to a trigger.


The guy overheard at the bar.
Sharing his last conquest.
Banged her, he says.

Bravado, ego, the art of bragging.
I’ve little time for this nonsense.
I’m in the corner booth.
A little off. A bit fuzzy.
Busy analyzing what’s wrong with the world
And the people in it.



One to bookend the first.
The slam of a fucking huge meteor
Somewhere in the South Pacific
Following by a cleansing wash of sea water
Across it all creation
Drowning us and freeing nature of our tyranny.


Save me from having to hear another word
From the douchebag
Holding court
Five yards away.

Photo Credit: fpsurgeon via Compfight cc

Book Review: That Semicolon Bitch Had To Die

That Semicolon Bitch Had To DieThat Semicolon Bitch Had To Die by Tom Conrad

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Can a man obsessed with punctuation find love? Can a man who finds that love keep it? Can that man avoid possible litigation and potential prison time?

Tom Conrad doesn’t quite answer these questions, but even if he did, I wouldn’t tell you. You have to read the book.

Like many books, I picked this up on a whim. I’ve enjoyed Conrad’s public musings and quips via Twitter and his blog and there comes a time when a man needs to be a man and download a book and dig in. And if he’s a TRUE MAN, he reviews it on his blog that also features sensitive poetry.

This novella is a darkly humorous introduction to Conrad’s Frankie Drake, a struggling and somewhat easily intimidated aspiring writer (and the star of Conrad’s full length novel That Coxom and Blondage Affair). When he meets Abbey, a fellow writer, as well as a kindred-and-potentially-more-talented spirit (soul mate?), he’s all in. Based on the title of the book, one can surmise what direction the relationship ultimately takes.

The story is refreshingly in the moment, with several key moments happening via Twitter transcripts. In time, it will seem quaint, but for now — it’s very now. Conrad has a good grip on word play and the general techno-babble silliness that is modern English, as it has seen some storm damage courtesy of the ever-influence of technology and an alarming simplification (abstraction?) of interpersonal communication. He nicely balances a statement on the post-existential world of online love with a deft, timeless depiction of the great no-no: two artists of the same medium should never start a relationship. (Also, never date an actress. Seriously, it’s a bad idea.)

As an American reader, I didn’t have any difficulty with the more English aspects of the story (mainly descriptions of rain, lots of rain) but then again, everything I learned about the finer nuances of living in the UK came from The Young Ones, so I am properly educated in these matters. Once you have mastered the insult, “Codpiece Face,” the rest is nothing but tea and strumpets.

Love, the sweet and the sour, is something Frankie has difficulty handling. It’s fun for the reader to watch him try.

View all my reviews

Book Review: Code Brown

Code Brown: 13 Humorous True-Life Tales About Poop (Yes, Poop)Code Brown: 13 Humorous True-Life Tales About Poop by Garrett Calcaterra
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Writing is observation, and not all that we observe is rose colored or scented. Just because a story involves one of the least attractive of all body functions doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have value.

Still with me? Good, I never doubted you. I believe in you.

Code Brown is an entertaining collection of short stories thematically connected by the GOOD OLD NUMBER TWO. Also see: caca, poop, crap, shit, excrement, feces, etc.

For some this might be off-putting so editor Garrett Calcaterra does his best to explain the merit for such a theme in the introduction for the book. But for my money, if someone picks up this book and thinks, hey this will be fun, then I don’t think you need to justify the material. Just do it.

And if you’re offended by the subject matter, then you’ll never pick up the book anyway.


I have a number of great poop stories and no one bothered to ask me to contribute. Garrett, if you are reading this…the way to put together a successful sequel to this toilet tome is to include something written by me. Please put me on the short list. Thank you.

There are thirteen stories in Code Brown, all are extremely well written, humorous, and address the scatological nature of the book in a manner that I think any kind of reader would find very acceptable. Some standouts include Holly Vance’s tale of interpersonal boundaries, Shannon Medisky’s warning to watch what you eat, and John Fox’s guide to divining your own feces. Overall, it’s a well-balanced collection of poop stories.

Now there’s a sentence I never thought I would write.

If you’re like me, you love a great story. Code Brown is full of them. That’s as close to a poop reference as I am going to make. Seriously, I cannot impart upon you how much restraint was required by the reviewer to not fall into a swirling pool of metaphor, analogy, and word play. A book like this just wants you to pinch a few off, if you get my drift.

A mildly related closing note: As I read Garrett’s introduction, my cat walked into the room and farted. In ten years, I have never heard the cat fart. Smelled yes, but never a clear audible. My guess is that she also approves of the book.

View all my reviews