Tag Archives: mayan 2012

It’s the End of the World!

Hmmm…August is flying down the road and will soon be a memory. Another month down, and another month closer to the end of the year, which as we all know, is the end of the world. *snicker, snort*

Earlier this year, a Flash Fiction piece of mine took second place in a writing contest hosted by The Write Place at The Write Time. The prompt was to use the Mayan 2012 cataclysm and a few choice words. Here’s the prize winning story. Oh, and what was the prize? I got to create the prompt for the new contest, of which there are a few weeks left. You should enter! Go to this link for the details.

Now on with the show…presenting “Hi Mom” for your amusement.

Stan was on the phone with his mother. Which meant that Stan was chained to his phone. It currently weighed 1000 pounds.

Mother was never one for the quick call. When Stan’s phone would ring, and he would look down at its screen to see who was calling, seeing “Mother” was always stressful.

Do I pick up? Do I really have an hour?

Mother not only couldn’t have a quick chat, when time finally came to end the call, she had to say goodbye at least six times, and in as many different ways.

At least half of the time, Stan would just let the call go to voice mail. Today, being the day that it was, he took the path of mercy and picked up the phone.

Today was supposedly the end of the world. December 21, 2012. At least that’s what every talking head had been blathering about for weeks now. Here was the big day, and Stan had pretty much turned everything off, as all the static was giving him a headache.

Mother was fully lathered up. She had always been one of those new age types. Pyramid power, ancient aliens, Bigfoot, ghosts, Ouija boards, angels, all that crap. And she was worried.

Currently, she was grinding on about the Winter Solstice and its importance to Druids. And the little folk.

Little folk? What the hell was she talking about?

Stan had perfected the art of the well-timed affirmative monosyllabic response.

Yeah?

Right.

Sure.

As long as he peppered his end of the conversation with these elements, Mother would continue without question. He just had to wait it out.

Had he taken precautions? Was he sad there would be no Christmas or New Year’s to celebrate?

Stan hadn’t even thought about that stuff. He had been too busy at work to even notice the holidays’ rapid approach. He didn’t really care.

You know this is the apocalypse today? Have you told your friends how much they mean to you?

Yeah. Right. Sure.

Mother was really testing his patience today. He tried to be a good son; it was the right thing to do. But Jesus, it could be really annoying.

The end will bring about the redemption of mankind.

Wow, she was really going at it today.

Redemption?

“Hey Mom, I gotta question for you,” said Stan.

Mother paused. She suddenly seemed very excited. “Go ahead dear.”

“This end of the world thing today. What time zone does it start in?”

“I am not sure I understand, sweetie.”

“Ok, so today is the end of the world. But what time zone determines that? It’s already tomorrow in Japan?”

The answer was not as fun as the question. She didn’t even realize he was messing with her. She went on and on about latitudes, longitudes, and something called ley lines.

For no real reason at all, Stan looked out the window, and noticed a massive burning meteor about to his apartment building.

“Mom, gotta go. Love you.”

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The Final Chapter

The rousing conclusion to my INCREDIBLE novel, Leather to the Corinthians, which will be available later this year. Enjoy.

It’s now that time on the show when we turn to our personal hand-tooled leather bound copy of the Book of Revelations and Traditional Wok Cooking the Old School Way.

Turn to Page 3.

The Book Of Revelations is your handy guide to the obvious signs that the sky is falling, Chicken Littles. The low priests in the high office and the high-on priests in the front office have convened over beers and burritos, sacrificed two small barnyard animals and have DINED AND DASHED. They have scoped out the scenery and it does not bode well.

The dark shadow trail of Armageddon has loomed above us, and jeez, do you know how much a movie costs these days? It’s like they make popcorn out of solid gold. They want you to stay home.

It is said that a lone figure, distant and unclear, will step to the plate and callout the downward spiral of life on this miserable speck of a speck on the Demigod of the Month’s sorry, omnipotent, pimply ass. This figure brandishes a trumpet to punctuate every end-of-life-as-we-know-it Kodak moment.

And when that dark Big Band Sound starts to wail, baby, and get ready to dig the bitter end.

The trumpet blows once, and your Ed McMahon sealed envelope with your possible winnings arrives via registered mail to you EI Rancho Villa style home. This envelope, along with all its contents spells, when the first letter of every sentence in the Free Truck Early-Bird Offer, the word Babylon, which of course is an anagram for SPAM IS COMING. This is also known as the opening of the first seal act, or the falling of the tower of Potted Meat Product.

The What’s On Second Seal is all that typical stuff: the sea turns to fire, the moon becomes the color of money, no smoking signs go up everywhere, the animals finally admit they can talk, and hailstones the size of volleyballs fall to Earth causing irreparable damage to Gulf Coast homes with no hurricane insurance. After the opening of the second seal, clothing decorated with Professional Athletic Team logos is suddenly affordable.

The first stage of the Apocalypse, consisting of the opening of the first and 2nd seals will last approximately 6 months, to begin on a Monday and end on a Monday, with one long weekend off so that everyone can get to know the Antichrist on a private junket to Barbados. Pack sunscreen. Continue reading The Final Chapter

I AM an Award Winning Writer!

Hey all you cats and kittens…some good news here. I recently took Second Place in the Lit-Mag writing contest, hosted by The Write Place at the Write Time. This is a solid Lit site, with some great writers, editors, and content. Well worth a visit, not just to read me (but I HIGHLY SUGGEST) that you should start there.

The challenge for the contest was to address the whole Mayan 2012 End-of-the-World thing, using key words and doing it all in under 500 words. There’s more to it than just that but you can read my amazing piece and the other winners as well here:

http://www.thewriteplaceatthewritetime.org/writerscontest.html

The best part about winning SECOND? I get to create the challenge for the next contest, slated for summer. Anyone got any bright ideas?